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FuckingMachines.com

Reviewed 20 September 2008

As the female reviewer here at XXX Pwnage, I noticed that my esteemed male colleague and Webmaster (also known as the Pornmeister!) seemed a little uneasy about this site, which I had been eagerly begging to review - Pornmeister replies: the only machine I like to see a woman using is a vacuum cleaner, haha, time for a slap me thinks?! Continue Honey… Hmmm… could it be because it's dedicated to solo female pleasure provided by machine power? No men necessary? (well, maybe a few, just to aim the camera to capture all the action!). Luckily, being the intelligent person he is, he immediately realized how important this site is to horny sex machine lovers worldwide, and there's no fighting the trend that we're now in the machine age where chicks are fucked senseless into orgasmic comas by relentless weird devices of all shapes, sizes and RPM! Is the human male and his… uh... equipment in danger of being eliminated? Are these ingenious mechanical devices the wave of the future? Don't worry, guys, a fucking machine can't snuggle, can't bring your chick hot tea in bed when she has the sniffles, and it certainly can't kiss worth a damn (well, maybe they'll invent one of those someday haha). But the most important thing is that most guys get off big time watching sexy natural babes drilled in every hole by pounding, vibrating, sucking, licking, invading devices and having REAL, shattering orgasms on film.  If that's your thing (and if it isn't, you’re obviously brain dead!) you are gonna spend loads of time at Fuckingmachines.com As a female, I was busy checking their online store to find out where to buy some of these wild things!

Fuckingmachines has been online since 2000, so there's a huge archive for your viewing pleasure. This site is one of the 15 fantastic sites in the Kink.com network, and is set up in a similar manner to their other sites, fairly easy to navigate and get around. And just like their other sites, Kink has once again scored a major hit with this awesome collection of sexual thrills. Gotta say, Kink just has the knack for putting out great nichey content that you simply can't find anywhere else. No one even cums close to competing with the material at Fuckingmachines. The girls, the machines, the orgasms, wow! Words really can't describe what's at this seriously arousing and kinky destination; you have to see it with your own eyes to believe it. I was already familiar with the Sybian vibrator machine, ridden by many  porn chicks and amateur cuties on camera - the original sex machine that's been around for several years - but what I saw at Fuckingmachines went far beyond the Sybian. The site is described as "Sex at 359 RPM in high definition", and ‘the best sex machine site on the Net’.  There's no disagreement from me on that point!

You'll find an eye-popping gallery of 50 of the wildest sex machines ever, with names like ‘Bunnyfucker’, ‘Annihilator’, ‘Dragon’, ‘Drilldo’ and on and on (see left). I had no idea there were so many of these contraptions. There's a very cool feature where you can click on a machine and watch a short MPEG clip showing a model in orgasmic action with it, along with a hot description and technical specs. I got quite an education and wanted to grab a hammer and build one of these things in my basement! These devices are designed to do one thing:  give a chick the best orgasm (or 10!) of her life, and it's all recorded on film in a variety of settings, (indoors, outdoors, bedrooms, offices, pools), featuring girls who are new to porn along with familiar porn starlets (Amber Rayne, Delilah Strong, Lexi Bardot and many more). Invariably, the girl is totally wiped out after a session with a fucking machine, often having multiple screaming O's and probably sleeping for a week after! There's all kinds of babes here, something for every possible taste. One of the yummiest machines I saw was the Vulvulator, a suction device that was an outlandish turn on. (Honey's private naughty note to self: find out where to buy one!).

The site features weekly regular updates right on time, and contained a total of 66 pages of videos and pictures, going back to the year 2000. That's over 400 movies and thousands of photos. If you watch 'em all, your mind might short circuit, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! The latest update featured Ami Emerson. Here's a scene description:

‘This smoking hot red head shows off her gymnast body as she discovers what unrelenting machine fucking is like. Her first orgasm with The Dragon makes her squirt and The Crystal Palace has her jumping away in a mess of sensitivity after a great, long pounding. She takes a teasing with The Little Guy as the machine alternates between vibration and penetration, going deeper into her pussy as she gets more turned on. She does the splits over our brand new machine - The Satisfyher - which smooth rapid fire stroke gives Ami a toe clenching, hair pulling, writhing orgasm’.

Ami's shoot contained 168 pictures, divided into scenes labeled by the machine used. All galleries are available in zip files, hi and low res. The photos are stunning, with the models faces clearly showing the utter orgasmic bliss they're experiencing as the machines do their arousing work. Some shoots have two girls, but most are solo, just girl and machine, one on one. I saw anal as well as pussy insertions. Movies are available in clips via WMV HD, Highest Quality (MP4), WMV (most compatible), Ipod, as well as streaming video (RealPlayer, broadband or modem). Complete movies can be downloaded in zip files. Most average around 45 minutes. I downloaded several clips which were beyond hot. I really liked the natural quality of the clips I saw. It was the real deal, just a beautiful natural young lady getting off and making herself feel good, no dumb background music or the usual trappings of faked out porn. Very, very nice and intense. Good post-interview, with the girl talking about her experience with the machines. I can honestly say it was some of the most exciting material I've ever seen. Admittedly, these machines are all rather industrial looking which might be a turn off for some people, but you really don't notice it once the action gets started. Maybe they should paint them pink or something for the ladies lol, but they get the job done and that's what matters. Actually, the industrial quality gives these far-out toys a fetish appearance which is quite hardcore and interesting. The camera work was also absolutely beyond compare. They get right in there and hit all the angles so you can see the luscious and often quite juicy action.

To further enhance your experience a cool add-on called PicLens (now known as Cooliris) is incorporated. A small Active X download is necessary from http://www.cooliris.com/ Once installed just look for the PicLens Enabled button and you’ll be able to view images in a stunning environment - think of it as a 3D slideshow option - scrolling from side to side with full zoom facility. It’s a free add-on so why not give it a go?

I would have liked more ways to search the model database - basically all you can do is click on the latest update and watch. There is a basic key word search engine, but beyond that, the site hasn't developed a more sophisticated way to pinpoint exactly what you want. Lots of machines and lots of models means you want to narrow things down a bit more, but it’s not a big complaint. Really, you'll be so busy staring in amazement at this stuff, you won't mind too much what's where.

Click on their online Store and you’ll find a great source for actually buying these machines. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many for sale in one convenient location elsewhere on the Net. Some are fairly inexpensive and others are top of the line elite sex machines that if you're heavily into this kind of sex play, you may want to start saving up so you, too, can have the ultimate experience with yourself (or while your lucky partner watches your blissful screaming O's!) There’s also a link to their general fetish/sex toys webstore, with a coupon for 10% off all their merch. Their Special Offers link gives you 10% off future subscriptions to their other sites.

They have an active forum with fascinating discussions about the Fuckingmachine shoots, technical ideas, favorite models, etc. Kink's forums are always lively and very dynamic centers for their members. Some people there are probably at this moment trying to figure out how to build some of these machines at home from their local hardware store!

BehindKink is their news and events area where members are kept up-to-date on current developments at Kink. The Documentaries link gives members yet another source of hot entertainment, archiving fascinating Kink shoots going back to 2006 featuring a wide variety of material with a behind the scenes feel, including bondage tutorials, how the shoots are set-up, etc. Quite fascinating, and most of the docs feature 100+ photos and at least one video clip. Their most recent updated documentary was entitled "Fucking Machines Goes To Japan". Looked really kinky, Japanese style.

Their Live shows link  had an  archive of two shows shot in May and June 2007.  No indication  of when a new live show would be held, so that’s an area I’d like to see updated more often with a show schedule. The live shows are interactive where members can join chat rooms and watch in real time. Kink has a helpful FAQ and contact area for member questions and is noted for good customer service and listening to member needs.

Overall, FuckingMachines is about the amazing content. Where in the world are you going to find something else like this? Yes, there are a few sites that also feature sex machines, but nothing like this, and Kink prides itself on being on the cutting edge. If you yearn to see lovely females experiencing intense sexual stimulation that pushes them to the brink and beyond, this is your hang out. And guys, please don’t worry. You won’t ever be replaced by machines, okay? We promise! You’re wayyyyyyyyy cuter and nicer to snuggle up to than cold metal on a winter night!

Membership: One month recurring $29.90; Two months recurring $49.90; Three months recurring $59.90; Six months recurring $99.00 (plus a special offer of a free 8 inch Vacu-lock Dildo with every subscription! Woohoo!). Note that payment options include check and cash in addition to regular credit cards.

Samples

The Bunny Fucker

The Bunny Fucker has a hop in its thrust at high speeds and fucks just like a bunny - hard, fast and over and over again. This well designed machine allows for tilt and height adjustment in the base as stroke length adjusts on the flywheel. It can fuck a girl in doggie, missionary, standing, sitting or high in the air. This great machine has caused many a first time squirt!

Fuckzilla!

How does fuckingmachines.com separate the men from the machines? With a fucking robot! Fuckzilla is the reason fuckingmachines.com is the best machine site on the web. This Johnny 5 replicate can hold other machines with its multi-positioning arms and can drive across the room to fuck the willing girl. This robot is a sure fire shag every time that does not get tired, sweat, or want eggs in the morning.

The Drilldo

Hand held power fucking, the Drildo rotates at varying speeds to warm up the pussy for the big guns. And its battery power allows for all kinds of outdoor adventures like fucking while driving around San Francisco! Yes, it's been done.

Meet all the machines here...